So I guess you could say its been a rough year.
I mean I've missed my dad more than ever, I've lost friends, I've had my heartbroken, & my health decided to go down the drain with all of that. But all things considered, if thats all going on... don'tcha think I'd be struggling?
I mean I guess I could be way wrong. But I, being me, whole heartedly believe that I am right!
Lets also throw in there, the prank call. The one when someone left me a voicemail pretty much calling me a fatass. To whoever you are, go to hell. Because you only made me more self conscious. So thank you for the reminder as to why I hate mirrors & bathing suits.
I'm use to helping everyone else, I don't ever take the time out of my days to help myself. Its just not who I am. I'd much rather help you. So to say the least I haven't tried helping myself. I've spent so much time helping everyone else, all my problems are just catching up to me. & in all honesty.. I've never really had to take the time to do this whole, taking care of myself thing. Cause usually I share the problems with someone else, but not this time. This time no one understands how deep the hurt runs sometimes, or that I'm learning to be okay.
Seems to me that everyone wants a freaking miracle to happen to where everythings okay again. But I'd like to introduce you all to reality. It doesn't work like that. Reality loooves to kick you when you're down.
'Clinical Depression' isn't in my vocabulary. So stop saying it. Because while you think I'm struggling more & more, its actually less & less. But not when you're always yelling at me, telling me what I'm doing wrong, or saying that. That puts me down. How about we just get me healthy again & let me continue to heal emotionally? Sounds good to me. Cause I've about had it with everyone's excuses for whats wrong with me.
If you really want to know, refer to the first sentence.
Also know though, that I have two bestfriends who continuously make me happy. Those girls know that I'm okay, but I guess that might have something to do with the fact that, they don't yell at me & they don't make me feel like I cant tell right from wrong, so I actually talk to them.
& When I take time to myself to 'just be' I wanna 'just be' like holy god people, I'm tired. Let me rest.
I know you all love & care about me, but please stop worrying so much & notice the good. Notice that yes, I'm really tired but I am also doing sooo much better. But when all you're doing is looking for a reason why, realize I know the reasons & maybe some are for only me to know.
She truely is what has kept my head up for so long
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Trying to Help a Helpless Situation
It was about a month ago that reality decided to smack me in the face & walk all over my heart.
Of course, me being me, I thought, "Hey, ya know it's their loss & eventually regret." But lets be honest, the day has yet to come for me to believe myself. What are you suppose to do when you loose someone who means so much to you? Someone who brought a special smile to your face, that not another person has made show.
Truth be told, heartbreak is the worst pain I've ever felt. I still cry. The only things I cry about for more than two days, are deaths. Should I consider it the death of what once was & the birth of something new? Because if this is the birth of something new, I'm not looking to be pregnant for 9 months, metaphorically speaking of course. I got way to much to do, to hurt for that long. My life can't hold off, I'm a busy girl.
So lately, rather than waiting for it to go away, I just push it away. I tend to think of everything happy, rather than the horrible fact that its over. I try not to even give myself time to do that, though. Instead, I surround myself with friends and go go go. Because thats what you're suppose to do right? Well, thats what I've been told.
Finally, I admit my feelings about all of it & how he "wants to be friends" but walks all over me. His response to me, "you said you'd get over it." REALLY? Okay, jerkoff. So once again I cried. While crying it hit me, if thats all that there is to say about it, then I really need to just be done. Try to talk as little as possible, as friends & pretty much avoid even seeing the name. So I took all the steps needed to make this work. Because all I was doing was trying to help a helpless situation.
Now, my second hometown, Udall, is dealing with the death of amazing basketball player, Devan Rueger. Truely heartbreaking. This boy, whom I didn't even know, had a very promising way to college & future. His family & friends lost him last night due to a car crash.
I'm really good friends with alot of his friends. They all are in a world of hurt & I can't do anything to help it. There's nothing I hate more then not being in control of a horrible situation. So in the 22 hrs that I've known,
I've had to repeatedly remind myself who is in control. And, I know the big guy knows what he's doing, but
I hate when his plans involve hurting the people I love. I've prayed many times for the family and friends of him.
I hate how I can't help. So yet again, I'm stuck trying to help a helpless situation. I feel like my bestfriend is in a world of hurt while I'm a world away. I can't even hug her.. ugh. I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the weekend like always, when all I ever want to do is go to school with her, the most real person I know.
My prayers & thoughts go out to the Rueger family as they go through this hard time, along with anyone else who is hurting.
Of course, me being me, I thought, "Hey, ya know it's their loss & eventually regret." But lets be honest, the day has yet to come for me to believe myself. What are you suppose to do when you loose someone who means so much to you? Someone who brought a special smile to your face, that not another person has made show.
Truth be told, heartbreak is the worst pain I've ever felt. I still cry. The only things I cry about for more than two days, are deaths. Should I consider it the death of what once was & the birth of something new? Because if this is the birth of something new, I'm not looking to be pregnant for 9 months, metaphorically speaking of course. I got way to much to do, to hurt for that long. My life can't hold off, I'm a busy girl.
So lately, rather than waiting for it to go away, I just push it away. I tend to think of everything happy, rather than the horrible fact that its over. I try not to even give myself time to do that, though. Instead, I surround myself with friends and go go go. Because thats what you're suppose to do right? Well, thats what I've been told.
Finally, I admit my feelings about all of it & how he "wants to be friends" but walks all over me. His response to me, "you said you'd get over it." REALLY? Okay, jerkoff. So once again I cried. While crying it hit me, if thats all that there is to say about it, then I really need to just be done. Try to talk as little as possible, as friends & pretty much avoid even seeing the name. So I took all the steps needed to make this work. Because all I was doing was trying to help a helpless situation.
Now, my second hometown, Udall, is dealing with the death of amazing basketball player, Devan Rueger. Truely heartbreaking. This boy, whom I didn't even know, had a very promising way to college & future. His family & friends lost him last night due to a car crash.
I'm really good friends with alot of his friends. They all are in a world of hurt & I can't do anything to help it. There's nothing I hate more then not being in control of a horrible situation. So in the 22 hrs that I've known,
I've had to repeatedly remind myself who is in control. And, I know the big guy knows what he's doing, but
I hate when his plans involve hurting the people I love. I've prayed many times for the family and friends of him.
I hate how I can't help. So yet again, I'm stuck trying to help a helpless situation. I feel like my bestfriend is in a world of hurt while I'm a world away. I can't even hug her.. ugh. I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the weekend like always, when all I ever want to do is go to school with her, the most real person I know.
My prayers & thoughts go out to the Rueger family as they go through this hard time, along with anyone else who is hurting.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
What Comes Next?
Dear
Where are you at this moment in time?
I know your location, but I don't know where your heart is. Its killing me.
I've never thought it would get this bad. I knew that if you didn't stop we would be in another situation where all we can do is wait. But, the last thing I said to you is "I'll see you there" and I lied... because I didn't see you there. I sat at home and cried while you where taken back to what they expect you to call "home". The fact that I didn't see you there, when I told you I would, has eaten at me every night since. I worry so much about your well-being. Never have I had a friend like you. You try to protect me no matter the situation, your the big brother I never had. Until this previous summer in early June, I didn't even know you existed and now I don't know what I would do if you didn't. I call you when I need a laugh, a cry, or just someone to listen. You tend to do that best, listen. Most people can't put their life on "pause" for one single person, you manage to do it for a few of us. When I struggle, your struggles seem irrelevant, just so that you can help me. & you know ANY day I would do the same for you, which is why you come to me for help also.
Last night before I layed my head on that pillow to rest, I was left with "they're talking about sending him to the Lawrence Children's Home."
With that thought in my head all I could do is worry. I know you well enough to know that that is not whats right for you. You need some stability in your life. A children's home isn't anything close to that. A real home, with real people (not "workers"), and real parents is what you need. Someone to tell you no is what you need. Someone who won't just send you along to a new home when you've done wrong. They've never taught you right from wrong with punishment, they've taught you it with a new "home" and new "parents". I'm sorry but that to me is nothing like what you need to learn right from wrong. Knowing that someone will still love you no matter what is an absolutely amazing feeling, whether it be friends or your girlfriend, thats the feeling you have when someone is your family. Which is what we are. We are your family, forever. We'll love you no matter the decisions you make, but we'll let you know that we're disappointed, which is what should make you change your ways. You should know having the ones you love & the ones that love you are hurt by your decisions should make you think twice before you make the same mistake again.
I can't tell you this.. I can't even speak to you on the phone. Its tearing me apart. I talk to you everyday no matter what & now.. I don't even know when our next conversation might be.
I MISS YOU.
I've lost sleep over this. I've been laying awake at night think about what comes next for you.
Everyday my mom has called & yet we can't get an answer. That makes me wonder whats possibly going through your head? I mean I'm personally crying daily because I need to know. If I'm this upset, I cant even imagine how you feel.
But this I can promise you, I'm not going anywhere. I've been by your side ever since the day we met. You're my bestfriend and my big brother. & I will fight for your well-being everyday of my life if I have to. Because, I love you.
I'm waiting for my phone to ring with your voice on the other end.
Keep your head up. If Lyss & I can keep going, so can you.
Love your little sister,
Abigail Ruth Dollard
Where are you at this moment in time?
I know your location, but I don't know where your heart is. Its killing me.
I've never thought it would get this bad. I knew that if you didn't stop we would be in another situation where all we can do is wait. But, the last thing I said to you is "I'll see you there" and I lied... because I didn't see you there. I sat at home and cried while you where taken back to what they expect you to call "home". The fact that I didn't see you there, when I told you I would, has eaten at me every night since. I worry so much about your well-being. Never have I had a friend like you. You try to protect me no matter the situation, your the big brother I never had. Until this previous summer in early June, I didn't even know you existed and now I don't know what I would do if you didn't. I call you when I need a laugh, a cry, or just someone to listen. You tend to do that best, listen. Most people can't put their life on "pause" for one single person, you manage to do it for a few of us. When I struggle, your struggles seem irrelevant, just so that you can help me. & you know ANY day I would do the same for you, which is why you come to me for help also.
Last night before I layed my head on that pillow to rest, I was left with "they're talking about sending him to the Lawrence Children's Home."
With that thought in my head all I could do is worry. I know you well enough to know that that is not whats right for you. You need some stability in your life. A children's home isn't anything close to that. A real home, with real people (not "workers"), and real parents is what you need. Someone to tell you no is what you need. Someone who won't just send you along to a new home when you've done wrong. They've never taught you right from wrong with punishment, they've taught you it with a new "home" and new "parents". I'm sorry but that to me is nothing like what you need to learn right from wrong. Knowing that someone will still love you no matter what is an absolutely amazing feeling, whether it be friends or your girlfriend, thats the feeling you have when someone is your family. Which is what we are. We are your family, forever. We'll love you no matter the decisions you make, but we'll let you know that we're disappointed, which is what should make you change your ways. You should know having the ones you love & the ones that love you are hurt by your decisions should make you think twice before you make the same mistake again.
I can't tell you this.. I can't even speak to you on the phone. Its tearing me apart. I talk to you everyday no matter what & now.. I don't even know when our next conversation might be.
I MISS YOU.
I've lost sleep over this. I've been laying awake at night think about what comes next for you.
Everyday my mom has called & yet we can't get an answer. That makes me wonder whats possibly going through your head? I mean I'm personally crying daily because I need to know. If I'm this upset, I cant even imagine how you feel.
But this I can promise you, I'm not going anywhere. I've been by your side ever since the day we met. You're my bestfriend and my big brother. & I will fight for your well-being everyday of my life if I have to. Because, I love you.
I'm waiting for my phone to ring with your voice on the other end.
Keep your head up. If Lyss & I can keep going, so can you.
Love your little sister,
Abigail Ruth Dollard
Friday, November 5, 2010
Tonight I Pray For Stillness
Tonight; I lay here.. mind spinning; heart racing; & stomach in knot.
As I take all of this into consideration, in the whirpool my mind has created one thing comes to mind & everything else doesn't seem so important. I recently had a conversation with my bestfriend about how I was struggling. How I had managed to lose my way. My heart was only filled with hurt & I didn't know what to do anymore. His response was: "Do you talk to God? Do you pray?"
Do I pray? Do I talk to God? Rarely.
He's a father? How am I suppose to really on him to take my problems away when the fathers in my life have caused problems. Yet, EVERYONE trusts him & leans on him for help? Then my next excuse.. If everyone else leans on him, he couldn't possibly have enough time for my pathetic issues.
But I was hurting..
So I prayed.
My Prayer:
Lord, I lay here with a mind spinning faster then the wheels on a race car; my heart racing; stomach in a knot.
If this is how I feel, I can only imagine how the rest of this world is feeling?
So with all of this crazyness causing my pain; I pray for stillness.
I pray for stillness in the midst of the hearts all around the world.
I pray everyone take a step back & see what they have to offer; not what they don't.
Lord, I pray for stillness. Amen.
As I take all of this into consideration, in the whirpool my mind has created one thing comes to mind & everything else doesn't seem so important. I recently had a conversation with my bestfriend about how I was struggling. How I had managed to lose my way. My heart was only filled with hurt & I didn't know what to do anymore. His response was: "Do you talk to God? Do you pray?"
Do I pray? Do I talk to God? Rarely.
He's a father? How am I suppose to really on him to take my problems away when the fathers in my life have caused problems. Yet, EVERYONE trusts him & leans on him for help? Then my next excuse.. If everyone else leans on him, he couldn't possibly have enough time for my pathetic issues.
But I was hurting..
So I prayed.
My Prayer:
Lord, I lay here with a mind spinning faster then the wheels on a race car; my heart racing; stomach in a knot.
If this is how I feel, I can only imagine how the rest of this world is feeling?
So with all of this crazyness causing my pain; I pray for stillness.
I pray for stillness in the midst of the hearts all around the world.
I pray everyone take a step back & see what they have to offer; not what they don't.
Lord, I pray for stillness. Amen.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sometimes certain individuals are better left as memories; realize that.
Fight after fight after fight.
C'mon. We use to be better then this.
MEN.
Can't live with them & can't live without them.
When you build a bond with someone & become closer with them then you ever have with any significant other, you'd think things wouldn't be so hard. WRONG.
You've still got to deal with the:
-guilt trips
-jealousy
-the '' i miss you's"
& worst of all the fights.
You'd think that if the fights is what made you split then they'd want to lay off & let you be. Wrong AGAIN. Somehow men can't get it through their thick heads that we have better things to do then sit around & fight with them.
I mean, knowing me.. i'd much rather be hanging out with people who make the time i have worth my while. Wouldn't you?
So why? Why can't they take a hint & either take you as a friend or leave you alone?
Well, i wish i had an answer to every single question there is. But.. i don't. & i especially cant answer these ones. Because it all comes down to they have a penis and penis is the definition for pain in the ass. Excuse my language but it is SO true.
& if your a heartbreaker.. Like I know my sister is.. well to those poor boys you've left wounded.. Your better as a memory.
C'mon. We use to be better then this.
MEN.
Can't live with them & can't live without them.
When you build a bond with someone & become closer with them then you ever have with any significant other, you'd think things wouldn't be so hard. WRONG.
You've still got to deal with the:
-guilt trips
-jealousy
-the '' i miss you's"
& worst of all the fights.
You'd think that if the fights is what made you split then they'd want to lay off & let you be. Wrong AGAIN. Somehow men can't get it through their thick heads that we have better things to do then sit around & fight with them.
I mean, knowing me.. i'd much rather be hanging out with people who make the time i have worth my while. Wouldn't you?
So why? Why can't they take a hint & either take you as a friend or leave you alone?
Well, i wish i had an answer to every single question there is. But.. i don't. & i especially cant answer these ones. Because it all comes down to they have a penis and penis is the definition for pain in the ass. Excuse my language but it is SO true.
& if your a heartbreaker.. Like I know my sister is.. well to those poor boys you've left wounded.. Your better as a memory.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
When Will I Stand Back Up?
Walt Whitman says: " Keep your face always towards the sunshine - and the shadows will fall behind you. "
Please explain to me how this works.
Because on a day like today the sun is hidden. Its no where to be seen; clouds, thunder, rain, and lighting surround us instead. So how do we face the sun; when its clearly not visible.
This is how i've felt everyday for months now. I have my days where everything is okay & my brave face becomes no longer brave but truth. I've noticed that every month I personally spend atleast two weeks of it crying. Whether it be crying myself to sleep or sitting in silence after school. All this because my heart aches for my father's presence.
March 15th 2004 my heart sank to the words "your father had a heart attach last night, and he didn't make it." Later I learned he had drank himself to death.
Why did he hurt so much he needed to drink THAT much?
What had he done to deserve such hurt?
Who was around when he took his last breathe?
Where was everyone when he needed them most?
These questions cant be answered. & neither can any other question I have. But for some reason I still find myself repeatedly asking. I guess I just hope that some day, somone will answer me.
My step dad Kurtis built me a bedroom in our basement, knowing I had never had my own bedroom before. This room in many ways had brought me sanity. I can escape in there from almost anything. I love it. & appreciate it more then he knows.
Thing is. Ever since he's "officailly" stepped into my life, I have struggled more with missing my Dad more then ever. The last father figure I had never accepted me & hurt everyone I loved. In some ways it made it easier, because I had to keep looking forward for my family. None of us were in shape to have to worry about me breaking down. Plus what I, myself, considered a father figure & my guardian angle was/is my older sister Lizzi. I consider her this because she's guided me through everything. My mom & her have to be the strongest people I know.
But what gets to me most these days is that Kurtis DOES accept & love me. That scares me more then anything. & makes me miss MY dad even more. How am I suppose to let him father me? Thats not the person I want telling me what to do. & it tears me apart.
So I find myself just mad. Mad & hurt.
Hurt that he could never get healthy enough to save himself & save us all the pain. &
Mad that he isn't here.
& all these emotions leave me curled up in a ball, on my bed, in the room kurtis built me, crying. I don't sleep anymore & when I do, it feels as though i havent. I've become weak. I'm always sick & tired. I don't know what to do. Stress has taken over most of my life.
I find the most happieness is certain places though,
Udall.
With Robert.
With Alyssa.
With Belle.
& with my family.
I find happieness here because this is where I am most accepted. No matter where I go wrong these people love me. & thats what keeps me going.
But I need to weather this storm. I have to stand back up.
Somewhere sometime I have to find peace where this hole in my heart is concerned.
Because if I don't i'm going to leave a huge path of destruction. & thats the last thing I want.
The only thing is.. When Will I Stand Back Up?
Please explain to me how this works.
Because on a day like today the sun is hidden. Its no where to be seen; clouds, thunder, rain, and lighting surround us instead. So how do we face the sun; when its clearly not visible.
This is how i've felt everyday for months now. I have my days where everything is okay & my brave face becomes no longer brave but truth. I've noticed that every month I personally spend atleast two weeks of it crying. Whether it be crying myself to sleep or sitting in silence after school. All this because my heart aches for my father's presence.
March 15th 2004 my heart sank to the words "your father had a heart attach last night, and he didn't make it." Later I learned he had drank himself to death.
Why did he hurt so much he needed to drink THAT much?
What had he done to deserve such hurt?
Who was around when he took his last breathe?
Where was everyone when he needed them most?
These questions cant be answered. & neither can any other question I have. But for some reason I still find myself repeatedly asking. I guess I just hope that some day, somone will answer me.
My step dad Kurtis built me a bedroom in our basement, knowing I had never had my own bedroom before. This room in many ways had brought me sanity. I can escape in there from almost anything. I love it. & appreciate it more then he knows.
Thing is. Ever since he's "officailly" stepped into my life, I have struggled more with missing my Dad more then ever. The last father figure I had never accepted me & hurt everyone I loved. In some ways it made it easier, because I had to keep looking forward for my family. None of us were in shape to have to worry about me breaking down. Plus what I, myself, considered a father figure & my guardian angle was/is my older sister Lizzi. I consider her this because she's guided me through everything. My mom & her have to be the strongest people I know.
But what gets to me most these days is that Kurtis DOES accept & love me. That scares me more then anything. & makes me miss MY dad even more. How am I suppose to let him father me? Thats not the person I want telling me what to do. & it tears me apart.
So I find myself just mad. Mad & hurt.
Hurt that he could never get healthy enough to save himself & save us all the pain. &
Mad that he isn't here.
& all these emotions leave me curled up in a ball, on my bed, in the room kurtis built me, crying. I don't sleep anymore & when I do, it feels as though i havent. I've become weak. I'm always sick & tired. I don't know what to do. Stress has taken over most of my life.
I find the most happieness is certain places though,
Udall.
With Robert.
With Alyssa.
With Belle.
& with my family.
I find happieness here because this is where I am most accepted. No matter where I go wrong these people love me. & thats what keeps me going.
But I need to weather this storm. I have to stand back up.
Somewhere sometime I have to find peace where this hole in my heart is concerned.
Because if I don't i'm going to leave a huge path of destruction. & thats the last thing I want.
The only thing is.. When Will I Stand Back Up?
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Bad Days.
We leave the house in a rush. Not knowing what the day brings, but we know we are suppose to be prepared for whatever it does. Some days are REALLY hard to get through. I know today definently was. & you walk through the halls seeing everyone who has a smile on their face, then everyone who trys to avoid eye contact. How could they be so happy when I can't find it anywhere in me to smile. I surround myself with happy people and yet I rarely laugh. By the time the days nearly over people are noticeing more & more how I'm not okay. & I feel alone.
I felt alone until i saw her walking to her next class. My sister. She has it written all over her face. Her pain was obvious. We had gone through hell the night before together & now some guys take it upon themselves to hurt her more. I hope they realize how much she deserves better then them. Me & this girl have faced every problem together. Whether or not we're together when something happens, later on, we're telling each other advice on how we'd handle it. I HATE seeing her hurt. It hurts me. No one really ever understands this about me.. but its true. Yes we fight, but it last maybe 5 minutes? Nothing to bad.
But I have recently learned that my protectiveness of her..can cause some issues. I don't mean for it to but it does. I'm always by her side standing up for her & trying to keep her from hurting. I'd rather suffer then ever see her ache. So yes, I get myself into bad situations trying to keep her save from pain.
Last night is a great example of one of the bad situations I cause. It's not the first time i've done it & it wont be the last. I can't even begin to explain why I pop off with some of the things i do. But this one isn't hard to explain at all.
The one whose protected me my whole life & the one who has stood my ground for me when i couldn't. I can't ever do as much for her as she has for me. But i'd do anything to get close to it. She'll never know how truely thankful I am for her strong will & courage. God really has blessed her with amazing gifts. I mean honestly, who can say they kept their little sister & little brother going when mom was hurting to bad. Yes, mom was there & did everything possible. But when a person is struggling as bad as we all were..there's only so much you can do. And my Mom always did what she could. Lizzi's just always been the one I cry to at night & we have a bond like no other.
So why not take a stand for how I feel & what I believe needs to be said?
Even if it comes out at the wrong times.
I felt alone until i saw her walking to her next class. My sister. She has it written all over her face. Her pain was obvious. We had gone through hell the night before together & now some guys take it upon themselves to hurt her more. I hope they realize how much she deserves better then them. Me & this girl have faced every problem together. Whether or not we're together when something happens, later on, we're telling each other advice on how we'd handle it. I HATE seeing her hurt. It hurts me. No one really ever understands this about me.. but its true. Yes we fight, but it last maybe 5 minutes? Nothing to bad.
But I have recently learned that my protectiveness of her..can cause some issues. I don't mean for it to but it does. I'm always by her side standing up for her & trying to keep her from hurting. I'd rather suffer then ever see her ache. So yes, I get myself into bad situations trying to keep her save from pain.
Last night is a great example of one of the bad situations I cause. It's not the first time i've done it & it wont be the last. I can't even begin to explain why I pop off with some of the things i do. But this one isn't hard to explain at all.
The one whose protected me my whole life & the one who has stood my ground for me when i couldn't. I can't ever do as much for her as she has for me. But i'd do anything to get close to it. She'll never know how truely thankful I am for her strong will & courage. God really has blessed her with amazing gifts. I mean honestly, who can say they kept their little sister & little brother going when mom was hurting to bad. Yes, mom was there & did everything possible. But when a person is struggling as bad as we all were..there's only so much you can do. And my Mom always did what she could. Lizzi's just always been the one I cry to at night & we have a bond like no other.
So why not take a stand for how I feel & what I believe needs to be said?
Even if it comes out at the wrong times.
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