Looking for Something That's Not There

So I guess you could say its been a rough year.
I mean I've missed my dad more than ever, I've lost friends, I've had my heartbroken, & my health decided to go down the drain with all of that. But all things considered, if thats all going on... don'tcha think I'd be struggling?
I mean I guess I could be way wrong. But I, being me, whole heartedly believe that I am right!
Lets also throw in there, the prank call. The one when someone left me a voicemail pretty much calling me a fatass. To whoever you are, go to hell. Because you only made me more self conscious. So thank you for the reminder as to why I hate mirrors & bathing suits.

I'm use to helping everyone else, I don't ever take the time out of my days to help myself. Its just not who I am. I'd much rather help you. So to say the least I haven't tried helping myself. I've spent so much time helping everyone else, all my problems are just catching up to me. & in all honesty.. I've never really had to take the time to do this whole, taking care of myself thing. Cause usually I share the problems with someone else, but not this time. This time no one understands how deep the hurt runs sometimes, or that I'm learning to be okay.

Seems to me that everyone wants a freaking miracle to happen to where everythings okay again. But I'd like to introduce you all to reality. It doesn't work like that. Reality loooves to kick you when you're down.

'Clinical Depression' isn't in my vocabulary. So stop saying it. Because while you think I'm struggling more & more, its actually less & less. But not when you're always yelling at me, telling me what I'm doing wrong, or saying that.  That puts me down. How about we just get me healthy again & let me continue to heal emotionally? Sounds good to me. Cause I've about had it with everyone's excuses for whats wrong with me.

If you really want to know, refer to the first sentence.

Also know though, that I have two bestfriends who continuously make me happy. Those girls know that I'm okay, but I guess that might have something to do with the fact that, they don't yell at me & they don't make me feel like I cant tell right from wrong, so I actually talk to them.
& When I take time to myself to 'just be' I wanna 'just be' like holy god people, I'm tired. Let me rest.

I know you all love & care about me, but please stop worrying so much & notice the good. Notice that yes, I'm really tired but I am also doing sooo  much better. But when all you're doing is looking for a reason why, realize I know the reasons & maybe some are for only me to know.