Sometimes certain individuals are better left as memories; realize that.

Fight after fight after fight.
C'mon. We use to be better then this.
MEN.
Can't live with them & can't live without them.



When you build a bond with someone & become closer with them then you ever have with any significant other, you'd think things wouldn't be so hard. WRONG.
You've still got to deal with the:
-guilt trips
-jealousy
-the '' i miss you's"
& worst of all the fights.

You'd think that if the fights is what made you split then they'd want to lay off & let you be. Wrong AGAIN. Somehow men can't get it through their thick heads that we have better things to do then sit around & fight with them.

I mean, knowing me.. i'd much rather be hanging out with people who make the time i have worth my while. Wouldn't you?

So why? Why can't they take a hint & either take you as a friend or leave you alone?

Well, i wish i had an answer to every single question there is. But.. i don't. & i especially cant answer these ones. Because it all comes down to they have a penis and penis is the definition for pain in the ass. Excuse my language but it is SO true.

& if your a heartbreaker.. Like I know my sister is.. well to those poor boys you've left wounded.. Your better as a memory.

When Will I Stand Back Up?

 Walt Whitman says: " Keep your face always towards the sunshine - and the shadows will fall behind you. "

Please explain to me how this works.
Because on a day like today the sun is hidden. Its no where to be seen; clouds, thunder, rain, and lighting surround us instead. So how do we face the sun; when its clearly not visible.

This is how i've felt everyday for months now. I have my days where everything is okay & my brave face becomes no longer brave but truth. I've noticed that every month I personally spend atleast two weeks of it crying. Whether it be crying myself to sleep or sitting in silence after school. All this because my heart aches for my father's presence.

March 15th 2004 my heart sank to the words "your father had a heart attach last night, and he didn't make it." Later I learned he had drank himself to death.

Why did he hurt so much he needed to drink THAT much?
 What had he done to deserve such hurt?
 Who was around when he took his last breathe?
Where was everyone when he needed them most?

These questions cant be answered. & neither can any other question I have. But for some reason I still find myself repeatedly asking. I guess I just hope that some day, somone will answer me.

My step dad Kurtis built me a bedroom in our basement, knowing I had never had my own bedroom before. This room in many ways had brought me sanity. I can escape in there from almost anything. I love it. & appreciate it more then he knows.

Thing is. Ever since he's "officailly" stepped into my life, I have struggled more with missing my Dad more then ever. The last father figure I had never accepted me & hurt everyone I loved. In some ways it made it easier, because I had to keep looking forward for my family. None of us were in shape to have to worry about me breaking down. Plus what I, myself, considered a father figure & my guardian angle was/is my older sister Lizzi. I consider her this  because she's guided me through everything. My mom & her have to be the strongest people I know.

But what gets to me most these days is that Kurtis DOES accept & love me. That scares me more then anything. & makes me miss MY dad even more. How am I suppose to let him father me? Thats not the person I want telling me what to do. & it tears me apart.

So I find myself just mad. Mad & hurt.
Hurt that he could never get healthy enough to save himself & save us all the pain. &
Mad that he isn't here.

& all these emotions leave me curled up in a ball, on my bed, in the room kurtis built me, crying. I don't sleep anymore & when I do, it feels as though i havent. I've become weak. I'm always sick & tired. I don't know what to do.  Stress has taken over most of my life.

I find the most happieness is certain places though,
Udall.
With Robert.
With Alyssa.
With Belle.
& with my family.
I find happieness here because this is where I am most accepted. No matter where I go wrong these people love me. & thats what keeps me going.

But I need to weather this storm. I have to stand back up.

Somewhere sometime I have to find peace where this hole in my heart is concerned.

Because if I don't i'm going to leave a huge path of destruction. & thats the last thing I want.

The only thing is.. When Will I Stand Back Up?

The Bad Days.

We leave the house in a rush. Not knowing what the day brings, but we know we are suppose to be prepared for whatever it does. Some days are REALLY hard to get through. I know today definently was. & you walk through the halls seeing everyone who has a smile on their face, then everyone who trys to avoid eye contact. How could they be so happy when I can't find it anywhere in me to smile. I surround myself with happy people and yet I rarely laugh. By the time the days nearly over people are noticeing more & more how I'm not okay. & I feel alone.

I felt alone until i saw her walking to her next class. My sister. She has it written all over her face. Her pain was obvious. We had gone through hell the night before together & now some guys take it upon themselves to hurt her more. I hope they realize how much she deserves better then them. Me & this girl have faced every problem together. Whether or not we're together when something happens, later on, we're telling each other advice on how we'd handle it. I HATE seeing her hurt. It hurts me. No one really ever understands this about me.. but its true. Yes we fight, but it last maybe 5 minutes? Nothing to bad.
But I have recently learned that my protectiveness of her..can cause some issues. I don't mean for it to but it does. I'm always by her side standing up for her & trying to keep her from hurting. I'd rather suffer then ever see her ache. So yes, I get myself into bad situations trying to keep her save from pain.

Last night is a great example of one of the bad situations I cause. It's not the first time i've done it & it wont be the last. I can't even begin to explain why I pop off with some of the things i do. But this one isn't hard to explain at all.

The one whose protected me my whole life & the one who has stood my ground for me when i couldn't. I can't ever do as much for her as she has for me. But i'd do anything to get close to it. She'll never know how truely thankful I am for her strong will & courage. God really has blessed her with amazing gifts. I mean honestly, who can say they kept their little sister & little brother going when mom was hurting to bad. Yes, mom was there & did everything possible. But when a person is struggling as bad as we all were..there's only so much you can do. And my Mom always did what she could. Lizzi's just always been the one I cry to at night & we have a bond like no other.

So why not take a stand for how I feel & what I believe needs to be said?
Even if it comes out at the wrong times.