When Will I Stand Back Up?

 Walt Whitman says: " Keep your face always towards the sunshine - and the shadows will fall behind you. "

Please explain to me how this works.
Because on a day like today the sun is hidden. Its no where to be seen; clouds, thunder, rain, and lighting surround us instead. So how do we face the sun; when its clearly not visible.

This is how i've felt everyday for months now. I have my days where everything is okay & my brave face becomes no longer brave but truth. I've noticed that every month I personally spend atleast two weeks of it crying. Whether it be crying myself to sleep or sitting in silence after school. All this because my heart aches for my father's presence.

March 15th 2004 my heart sank to the words "your father had a heart attach last night, and he didn't make it." Later I learned he had drank himself to death.

Why did he hurt so much he needed to drink THAT much?
 What had he done to deserve such hurt?
 Who was around when he took his last breathe?
Where was everyone when he needed them most?

These questions cant be answered. & neither can any other question I have. But for some reason I still find myself repeatedly asking. I guess I just hope that some day, somone will answer me.

My step dad Kurtis built me a bedroom in our basement, knowing I had never had my own bedroom before. This room in many ways had brought me sanity. I can escape in there from almost anything. I love it. & appreciate it more then he knows.

Thing is. Ever since he's "officailly" stepped into my life, I have struggled more with missing my Dad more then ever. The last father figure I had never accepted me & hurt everyone I loved. In some ways it made it easier, because I had to keep looking forward for my family. None of us were in shape to have to worry about me breaking down. Plus what I, myself, considered a father figure & my guardian angle was/is my older sister Lizzi. I consider her this  because she's guided me through everything. My mom & her have to be the strongest people I know.

But what gets to me most these days is that Kurtis DOES accept & love me. That scares me more then anything. & makes me miss MY dad even more. How am I suppose to let him father me? Thats not the person I want telling me what to do. & it tears me apart.

So I find myself just mad. Mad & hurt.
Hurt that he could never get healthy enough to save himself & save us all the pain. &
Mad that he isn't here.

& all these emotions leave me curled up in a ball, on my bed, in the room kurtis built me, crying. I don't sleep anymore & when I do, it feels as though i havent. I've become weak. I'm always sick & tired. I don't know what to do.  Stress has taken over most of my life.

I find the most happieness is certain places though,
Udall.
With Robert.
With Alyssa.
With Belle.
& with my family.
I find happieness here because this is where I am most accepted. No matter where I go wrong these people love me. & thats what keeps me going.

But I need to weather this storm. I have to stand back up.

Somewhere sometime I have to find peace where this hole in my heart is concerned.

Because if I don't i'm going to leave a huge path of destruction. & thats the last thing I want.

The only thing is.. When Will I Stand Back Up?