So I guess you could say its been a rough year.
I mean I've missed my dad more than ever, I've lost friends, I've had my heartbroken, & my health decided to go down the drain with all of that. But all things considered, if thats all going on... don'tcha think I'd be struggling?
I mean I guess I could be way wrong. But I, being me, whole heartedly believe that I am right!
Lets also throw in there, the prank call. The one when someone left me a voicemail pretty much calling me a fatass. To whoever you are, go to hell. Because you only made me more self conscious. So thank you for the reminder as to why I hate mirrors & bathing suits.
I'm use to helping everyone else, I don't ever take the time out of my days to help myself. Its just not who I am. I'd much rather help you. So to say the least I haven't tried helping myself. I've spent so much time helping everyone else, all my problems are just catching up to me. & in all honesty.. I've never really had to take the time to do this whole, taking care of myself thing. Cause usually I share the problems with someone else, but not this time. This time no one understands how deep the hurt runs sometimes, or that I'm learning to be okay.
Seems to me that everyone wants a freaking miracle to happen to where everythings okay again. But I'd like to introduce you all to reality. It doesn't work like that. Reality loooves to kick you when you're down.
'Clinical Depression' isn't in my vocabulary. So stop saying it. Because while you think I'm struggling more & more, its actually less & less. But not when you're always yelling at me, telling me what I'm doing wrong, or saying that. That puts me down. How about we just get me healthy again & let me continue to heal emotionally? Sounds good to me. Cause I've about had it with everyone's excuses for whats wrong with me.
If you really want to know, refer to the first sentence.
Also know though, that I have two bestfriends who continuously make me happy. Those girls know that I'm okay, but I guess that might have something to do with the fact that, they don't yell at me & they don't make me feel like I cant tell right from wrong, so I actually talk to them.
& When I take time to myself to 'just be' I wanna 'just be' like holy god people, I'm tired. Let me rest.
I know you all love & care about me, but please stop worrying so much & notice the good. Notice that yes, I'm really tired but I am also doing sooo much better. But when all you're doing is looking for a reason why, realize I know the reasons & maybe some are for only me to know.
She truely is what has kept my head up for so long
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Trying to Help a Helpless Situation
It was about a month ago that reality decided to smack me in the face & walk all over my heart.
Of course, me being me, I thought, "Hey, ya know it's their loss & eventually regret." But lets be honest, the day has yet to come for me to believe myself. What are you suppose to do when you loose someone who means so much to you? Someone who brought a special smile to your face, that not another person has made show.
Truth be told, heartbreak is the worst pain I've ever felt. I still cry. The only things I cry about for more than two days, are deaths. Should I consider it the death of what once was & the birth of something new? Because if this is the birth of something new, I'm not looking to be pregnant for 9 months, metaphorically speaking of course. I got way to much to do, to hurt for that long. My life can't hold off, I'm a busy girl.
So lately, rather than waiting for it to go away, I just push it away. I tend to think of everything happy, rather than the horrible fact that its over. I try not to even give myself time to do that, though. Instead, I surround myself with friends and go go go. Because thats what you're suppose to do right? Well, thats what I've been told.
Finally, I admit my feelings about all of it & how he "wants to be friends" but walks all over me. His response to me, "you said you'd get over it." REALLY? Okay, jerkoff. So once again I cried. While crying it hit me, if thats all that there is to say about it, then I really need to just be done. Try to talk as little as possible, as friends & pretty much avoid even seeing the name. So I took all the steps needed to make this work. Because all I was doing was trying to help a helpless situation.
Now, my second hometown, Udall, is dealing with the death of amazing basketball player, Devan Rueger. Truely heartbreaking. This boy, whom I didn't even know, had a very promising way to college & future. His family & friends lost him last night due to a car crash.
I'm really good friends with alot of his friends. They all are in a world of hurt & I can't do anything to help it. There's nothing I hate more then not being in control of a horrible situation. So in the 22 hrs that I've known,
I've had to repeatedly remind myself who is in control. And, I know the big guy knows what he's doing, but
I hate when his plans involve hurting the people I love. I've prayed many times for the family and friends of him.
I hate how I can't help. So yet again, I'm stuck trying to help a helpless situation. I feel like my bestfriend is in a world of hurt while I'm a world away. I can't even hug her.. ugh. I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the weekend like always, when all I ever want to do is go to school with her, the most real person I know.
My prayers & thoughts go out to the Rueger family as they go through this hard time, along with anyone else who is hurting.
Of course, me being me, I thought, "Hey, ya know it's their loss & eventually regret." But lets be honest, the day has yet to come for me to believe myself. What are you suppose to do when you loose someone who means so much to you? Someone who brought a special smile to your face, that not another person has made show.
Truth be told, heartbreak is the worst pain I've ever felt. I still cry. The only things I cry about for more than two days, are deaths. Should I consider it the death of what once was & the birth of something new? Because if this is the birth of something new, I'm not looking to be pregnant for 9 months, metaphorically speaking of course. I got way to much to do, to hurt for that long. My life can't hold off, I'm a busy girl.
So lately, rather than waiting for it to go away, I just push it away. I tend to think of everything happy, rather than the horrible fact that its over. I try not to even give myself time to do that, though. Instead, I surround myself with friends and go go go. Because thats what you're suppose to do right? Well, thats what I've been told.
Finally, I admit my feelings about all of it & how he "wants to be friends" but walks all over me. His response to me, "you said you'd get over it." REALLY? Okay, jerkoff. So once again I cried. While crying it hit me, if thats all that there is to say about it, then I really need to just be done. Try to talk as little as possible, as friends & pretty much avoid even seeing the name. So I took all the steps needed to make this work. Because all I was doing was trying to help a helpless situation.
Now, my second hometown, Udall, is dealing with the death of amazing basketball player, Devan Rueger. Truely heartbreaking. This boy, whom I didn't even know, had a very promising way to college & future. His family & friends lost him last night due to a car crash.
I'm really good friends with alot of his friends. They all are in a world of hurt & I can't do anything to help it. There's nothing I hate more then not being in control of a horrible situation. So in the 22 hrs that I've known,
I've had to repeatedly remind myself who is in control. And, I know the big guy knows what he's doing, but
I hate when his plans involve hurting the people I love. I've prayed many times for the family and friends of him.
I hate how I can't help. So yet again, I'm stuck trying to help a helpless situation. I feel like my bestfriend is in a world of hurt while I'm a world away. I can't even hug her.. ugh. I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the weekend like always, when all I ever want to do is go to school with her, the most real person I know.
My prayers & thoughts go out to the Rueger family as they go through this hard time, along with anyone else who is hurting.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
What Comes Next?
Dear
Where are you at this moment in time?
I know your location, but I don't know where your heart is. Its killing me.
I've never thought it would get this bad. I knew that if you didn't stop we would be in another situation where all we can do is wait. But, the last thing I said to you is "I'll see you there" and I lied... because I didn't see you there. I sat at home and cried while you where taken back to what they expect you to call "home". The fact that I didn't see you there, when I told you I would, has eaten at me every night since. I worry so much about your well-being. Never have I had a friend like you. You try to protect me no matter the situation, your the big brother I never had. Until this previous summer in early June, I didn't even know you existed and now I don't know what I would do if you didn't. I call you when I need a laugh, a cry, or just someone to listen. You tend to do that best, listen. Most people can't put their life on "pause" for one single person, you manage to do it for a few of us. When I struggle, your struggles seem irrelevant, just so that you can help me. & you know ANY day I would do the same for you, which is why you come to me for help also.
Last night before I layed my head on that pillow to rest, I was left with "they're talking about sending him to the Lawrence Children's Home."
With that thought in my head all I could do is worry. I know you well enough to know that that is not whats right for you. You need some stability in your life. A children's home isn't anything close to that. A real home, with real people (not "workers"), and real parents is what you need. Someone to tell you no is what you need. Someone who won't just send you along to a new home when you've done wrong. They've never taught you right from wrong with punishment, they've taught you it with a new "home" and new "parents". I'm sorry but that to me is nothing like what you need to learn right from wrong. Knowing that someone will still love you no matter what is an absolutely amazing feeling, whether it be friends or your girlfriend, thats the feeling you have when someone is your family. Which is what we are. We are your family, forever. We'll love you no matter the decisions you make, but we'll let you know that we're disappointed, which is what should make you change your ways. You should know having the ones you love & the ones that love you are hurt by your decisions should make you think twice before you make the same mistake again.
I can't tell you this.. I can't even speak to you on the phone. Its tearing me apart. I talk to you everyday no matter what & now.. I don't even know when our next conversation might be.
I MISS YOU.
I've lost sleep over this. I've been laying awake at night think about what comes next for you.
Everyday my mom has called & yet we can't get an answer. That makes me wonder whats possibly going through your head? I mean I'm personally crying daily because I need to know. If I'm this upset, I cant even imagine how you feel.
But this I can promise you, I'm not going anywhere. I've been by your side ever since the day we met. You're my bestfriend and my big brother. & I will fight for your well-being everyday of my life if I have to. Because, I love you.
I'm waiting for my phone to ring with your voice on the other end.
Keep your head up. If Lyss & I can keep going, so can you.
Love your little sister,
Abigail Ruth Dollard
Where are you at this moment in time?
I know your location, but I don't know where your heart is. Its killing me.
I've never thought it would get this bad. I knew that if you didn't stop we would be in another situation where all we can do is wait. But, the last thing I said to you is "I'll see you there" and I lied... because I didn't see you there. I sat at home and cried while you where taken back to what they expect you to call "home". The fact that I didn't see you there, when I told you I would, has eaten at me every night since. I worry so much about your well-being. Never have I had a friend like you. You try to protect me no matter the situation, your the big brother I never had. Until this previous summer in early June, I didn't even know you existed and now I don't know what I would do if you didn't. I call you when I need a laugh, a cry, or just someone to listen. You tend to do that best, listen. Most people can't put their life on "pause" for one single person, you manage to do it for a few of us. When I struggle, your struggles seem irrelevant, just so that you can help me. & you know ANY day I would do the same for you, which is why you come to me for help also.
Last night before I layed my head on that pillow to rest, I was left with "they're talking about sending him to the Lawrence Children's Home."
With that thought in my head all I could do is worry. I know you well enough to know that that is not whats right for you. You need some stability in your life. A children's home isn't anything close to that. A real home, with real people (not "workers"), and real parents is what you need. Someone to tell you no is what you need. Someone who won't just send you along to a new home when you've done wrong. They've never taught you right from wrong with punishment, they've taught you it with a new "home" and new "parents". I'm sorry but that to me is nothing like what you need to learn right from wrong. Knowing that someone will still love you no matter what is an absolutely amazing feeling, whether it be friends or your girlfriend, thats the feeling you have when someone is your family. Which is what we are. We are your family, forever. We'll love you no matter the decisions you make, but we'll let you know that we're disappointed, which is what should make you change your ways. You should know having the ones you love & the ones that love you are hurt by your decisions should make you think twice before you make the same mistake again.
I can't tell you this.. I can't even speak to you on the phone. Its tearing me apart. I talk to you everyday no matter what & now.. I don't even know when our next conversation might be.
I MISS YOU.
I've lost sleep over this. I've been laying awake at night think about what comes next for you.
Everyday my mom has called & yet we can't get an answer. That makes me wonder whats possibly going through your head? I mean I'm personally crying daily because I need to know. If I'm this upset, I cant even imagine how you feel.
But this I can promise you, I'm not going anywhere. I've been by your side ever since the day we met. You're my bestfriend and my big brother. & I will fight for your well-being everyday of my life if I have to. Because, I love you.
I'm waiting for my phone to ring with your voice on the other end.
Keep your head up. If Lyss & I can keep going, so can you.
Love your little sister,
Abigail Ruth Dollard
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)