Trying to Help a Helpless Situation

It was about a month ago that reality decided to smack me in the face & walk all over my heart.

Of course, me being me, I thought, "Hey, ya know it's their loss & eventually regret." But lets be honest, the day has yet to come for me to believe myself. What are you suppose to do when you loose someone who means so much to you? Someone who brought a special smile to your face, that not another person has made show.

Truth be told, heartbreak is the worst pain I've ever felt. I still cry. The only things I cry about for more than two days, are deaths. Should I consider it the death of what once was & the birth of something new? Because if this is the birth of something new, I'm not looking to be pregnant for 9 months, metaphorically speaking of course. I got way to much to do, to hurt for that long. My life can't hold off, I'm a busy girl.

So lately, rather than waiting for it to go away, I just push it away. I tend to think of everything happy, rather than the horrible fact that its over. I try not to even give myself time to do that, though. Instead, I surround myself with friends and go go go. Because thats what you're suppose to do right? Well, thats what I've been told.

Finally, I admit my feelings about all of it & how he "wants to be friends" but walks all over me. His response to me, "you said you'd get over it." REALLY? Okay, jerkoff. So once again I cried. While crying it hit me, if thats all that there is to say about it, then I really need to just be done. Try to talk as little as possible, as friends & pretty much avoid even seeing the name. So I took all the steps needed to make this work. Because all I was doing was trying to help a helpless situation.

Now, my second hometown, Udall, is dealing with the death of amazing basketball player, Devan Rueger. Truely heartbreaking. This boy, whom I didn't even know, had a very promising way to college & future. His family & friends lost him last night due to a car crash.

I'm really good friends with alot of his friends. They all are in a world of hurt & I can't do anything to help it. There's nothing I hate more then not being in control of a horrible situation. So in the 22 hrs that I've known,
I've had to repeatedly remind myself who is in control. And, I know the big guy knows what he's doing, but
I hate when his plans involve hurting the people I love. I've prayed many times for the family and friends of him.

I hate how I can't help. So yet again, I'm stuck trying to help a helpless situation. I feel like my bestfriend is in a world of hurt while I'm a world away. I can't even hug her.. ugh. I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the weekend like always, when all I ever want to do is go to school with her, the most real person I know.

My prayers & thoughts go out to the Rueger family as they go through this hard time, along with anyone else who is hurting.